my crazy: defined

Prologue: You may already know that I have been working on a novel about the daily struggle of life with mental disorders, in particular anxiety, depression, and borderline personality disorder. 

It is a work of fiction, although it is loosely based on my some own experiences. 

This is part of that project.

#shelostcontrolagain

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Borderline Personality Disorder.
That's what the therapist said I have.
I sit in the floor with the spread of pamphlets I was given.

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), Borderline Personality Disorder is defined as an enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and oneself in which there are problems in a variety of areas including interpersonal behavior, mood, and self-image.

I read every word slowly, repeated each line in my head. I pressed the tip of a black ink pen into the paper, underlining. Interpersonal behavior. Mood. Self-image. 

People with Borderline Personality Disorder experience a wide range of difficulties. The most striking features of the disorder are the intensity of the person’s emotional reactions, the changeability of their moods, and the great variety of symptoms they present. These individuals may abruptly shift from a pervasive depressed mood to anxious agitation or intense anger; or they may impulsively engage in actions that they later recognize as irrational and counterproductive. 

Intensity of emotional reactions. I cried because I spilled my coffee.
Changeability of moods. It happens so fast I don't know what's happening.
Impulsively engage in actions they later recognize as irrational and counterproductive. Often.

People who have Borderline Personality Disorder typically present an erratic, inconsistent, unpredictable pattern of problems, and may function competently and effectively in some areas of life, while manifesting dramatic problems in other areas. This inconsistency may also manifest in that they may function competently in a situation at one time and incompetently in the very same situation at another time.

May function competently and effectively in some areas of life, while manifesting dramatic problems in other areas. Making the honor roll while spending most of my class time in the bathroom crying and bleeding. That probably counts.

These people are not necessarily in constant turmoil and may experience extended periods of stability. However, in addition to their Borderline Personality Disorder, they often manifest other problems, such as Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Major Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and/or Schizoaffective Disorder. They may also have issues with substance abuse, excessive gambling, risky sexual behavior, excessive spending and/or shoplifting, binge/purge eating, etc.

Extended periods of stability.
Panic Disorder.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Major Depression.

I have all of that.

Substance abuse. Weed. Wine. Tabs to study. Kpins to sleep.
Risky sexual behavior. The rush is stronger than the drugs.
Excessive spending and/or shoplifting. Both. I steal clothes and makeup from department stores.
Drugs. Drinks. Food. I can't just sit here alone.
Binge eating/purging. I eat more than I puke. I tried but it doesn't work.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder hold extreme, poorly integrated views of relationships with their early caregivers and, as a result, hold extreme, unrealistic expectancies regarding their present interpersonal relationships. In fact, one of the essential features of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder is “a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,” according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). They may seem needy and dependent one minute, and then push the person away the next minute. This has been termed a “love-hate relationship,” or the “push-pull cycle.” 

One of the essential features of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships. They may seem needy and dependent one minute, and then push the person away the next minute. I went to camp for the first time when I was ten, and I wanted this cute boy to ask me out, then he did, and I blew him off. Then I was upset the whole week. I didn't know why I did it. That basically sums up all of my relationships. Great.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder struggle with “cognitive distortions,” or distortions in their thinking; for example, they suffer from “splitting,” which is the term for “black-and-white thinking,” with nothing in-between. They see everything and everyone (including themselves) as “all good” or “all bad.” To them, life is either “extremely wonderful” or “extremely horrible.” Also, this splitting can happen in a matter of days, or even hours. 

Cognitive distortions.
Everything and everyone, including themselves. All or nothing. 
Splitting. In days, or even hours. 

These emotional extremes can lead to extremes in behavior, as well, for the person who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Feelings of anger can lead quickly to rages, which can often lead to violent behavior. This behavior can be directed inward (self-mutilation) or outward (emotional or physical abuse toward others).

Feelings of anger can lead quickly to rages. 
Violent behavior.
Self mutilation. 
I'm shaking, and my chest is tight. I want to scream. I need to punch something.
Shaking.
Shaking.
I know how to make it stop.

...Self-mutilation may occur during dissociative experiences and often brings relief by reaffirming the ability to feel or by expiating the individual’s sense of being evil. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may display affective instability that is due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to interpersonal stresses.

Self mutilation. Dissociative experiences. The ability to feel. Sense of being evil.
Basic dysphoric mood. Disrupted by anger, panic, or despair.
Extreme reactivity to interpersonal stresses. 
I feel numb. I take the blame. I am a crazy person.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may be troubled by chronic feelings of emptiness. Easily bored, they may constantly seek something to do. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder frequently express inappropriate, intense anger or have difficulty controlling their anger. They may display extreme sarcasm, enduring bitterness, or verbal outbursts. The anger is often elicited when a caregiver or lover is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Such expressions of anger are often followed by shame and guilt and contribute to the feeling they have of being evil.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. I am hollow.
Easily bored, they may constantly seek something to do. 
    I can't watch tv. I can't read. I can't sit still. I can't be alone.
Difficulty controlling their anger. I take it out on myself.
Extreme sarcasm. Enduring bitterness. I do that.
Such expressions of anger are often followed by shame and guilt 
and contribute to the feeling they have of being evil.

     It is very strange to read a medical description of yourself...

Information from Borderline Central 
Information from Psych Central 

Until next time,

Angela Kelly