there's a price to pay

not a very flattering hair do.

On the drive home from wedding dress shopping tonight I was thinking about my life now-a-days, here with Jonathan. It started with thoughts of my mental state back in the "dark ages", compared to now. Throughout middle school, high school, my brief stint in college, and the few years afterwards, I struggled agonizingly with depression and anxiety. I was very reserved, kept everything bottled up inside, had little to no self confidence, cried and mutilated myself versus confronting people with my words and emotions. It took me years and hitting my personal rock bottom (I believe everybody has their own, and they are all different) to get help. A few years of therapy, some mild antidepressants, and a lot of personal life decisions have led me down a path of calm, love, sometimes anger and fear, but now expressed in healthy ways (like art, or screaming.) Moving back to my parents place in the country was the first big step. It gave us a break financially (and we will pay it back someday,) allowed us to focus on each other away from the drama and commotion of city life, allowed us the opportunity to do the farm internship, which changed our lives.

It opened our eyes to a new future. We had enjoyed several jobs together in the past, but working on the farm was different. It was just us and the farmers. Sometimes we were alone all day. Sometimes we didn't leave for weeks. We loved it. The possibility of spending more of our time like this, working at home, when we start a family and raise our children and why not, our whole frickin' lives, well that was just amazing to me.

My dad worked his ass off when I was growing up. He still does. He was an incredible provider, and I appreciate his hard work more than words can express, the gift he has given us here. I love him so much. 

But man, I missed him.

I can remember crying as a kid, just because I missed him so much.

There's a price. My time with him wasn't the only one paid. His whole life working is full of time he could have spent living, enjoying life, time he won't get back. He can't wait to retire. Man has he ever earned it. (And that is when we will begin to pay it back.) 

The point was, I wanted something different for us. I don't want Jonathan to always be gone. Always tired, dreading work. Part of the reason I do so well is he keeps me happy, and hugs me if I'm down. I can always tell him if I'm falling apart. We may never be able to support ourselves on the farm alone (although we can and will dream) but we can live frugally, and make due with what we can get for 3-4 days a week in other jobs, in a restaurant or maybe on another farm. We will do what we have to in order to get by, pay the bills, buy shoes, etc. The important things in life. We know we will never live extravagantly. We will never have the nicest house or car or tv, but we will have our time spent together. 

And that's so much more valuable to me.

Back to how this relates to my mental health. The meds help, but living with anxiety and depression is a life long battle, and developing an environment that is safe, calm, drama free, filled with truth and trust and love; well that can make a whole world of difference. Being in a place that offers all of these things plus amazing views, a chance to connect to nature, raise animals, build a house, and provide for ourselves as much as we are willing to work for it... 

well, I am reminded just how much this place is truly our paradise. 

Until next time,

Angela Kelly