I am trying to get back into the blogging world after months of radio silence. Sometimes life gets the best of me and I fall off the radar for awhile. Back in January of this year I made the goal to write a book, something I have thought about many times but still haven't made much progress on. It is a work of fiction, but inspired by my personal struggle with anxiety, depression and self mutilation. In an attempt to motivate myself and make use of this space again, this is a piece I wrote this weekend. I am torn about sharing, it is personal and very very real- please proceed with caution.
Please be aware that it is graphic and may be triggering to those suffering with similar issues.
I.
Depression.
Depression is a pit.
Everyday we walk through
a minefield of
holes
craters
sinkholes.
Some are easy to miss
they are in the open
you can circle them
see what will cause you to
fall
step back
avoid it.
But others are camouflaged,
hidden
secret.
There are trip wires and snare traps
to pull you in. Sometimes
they are shallow,
you can climb out
dust off your knees.
Maybe its deep enough to trap you for days,
weeks,
months.
Sometimes you can't get out
alone.
II.
Anxiety.
Well, anxiety is different.
Anxiety is a monster.
It hides in the shadows.
In the corner of your eye.
Always lurking.
It's chasing you.
Composed of all your fears.
Insecurities.
Nightmares.
Demons.
You are running,
and running,
and running out of breath.
III.
Control.
When your skin is crying and
your eyes are bleeding and
you just can't run anymore and
you can't hide
it's there
on top of you
with its claws
and you
can't
breathe
and
so you fight
the only way you know how.
Taking control.
Stabbing.
The razor blade opens
your pale pale flesh and
time stops
and you
stop
and
the monster watches
as you remember
how to
breathe, now
with your red red blood
staining your skin.
The monster is quiet,
for now
and this wound will heal
with time and you will fight
many more battles before
it's done but
you
are
alive
today,
and you are stronger
than you know.
Please be aware that it is graphic and may be triggering to those suffering with similar issues.
I.
Depression.
Depression is a pit.
Everyday we walk through
a minefield of
holes
craters
sinkholes.
Some are easy to miss
they are in the open
you can circle them
see what will cause you to
fall
step back
avoid it.
But others are camouflaged,
hidden
secret.
There are trip wires and snare traps
to pull you in. Sometimes
they are shallow,
you can climb out
dust off your knees.
Maybe its deep enough to trap you for days,
weeks,
months.
Sometimes you can't get out
alone.
II.
Anxiety.
Well, anxiety is different.
Anxiety is a monster.
It hides in the shadows.
In the corner of your eye.
Always lurking.
It's chasing you.
Composed of all your fears.
Insecurities.
Nightmares.
Demons.
You are running,
and running,
and running out of breath.
III.
Control.
When your skin is crying and
your eyes are bleeding and
you just can't run anymore and
you can't hide
it's there
on top of you
with its claws
and you
can't
breathe
and
so you fight
the only way you know how.
Taking control.
Stabbing.
The razor blade opens
your pale pale flesh and
time stops
and you
stop
and
the monster watches
as you remember
how to
breathe, now
with your red red blood
staining your skin.
The monster is quiet,
for now
and this wound will heal
with time and you will fight
many more battles before
it's done but
you
are
alive
today,
and you are stronger
than you know.
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